Is Sex Really an Expectation When Dating?

OOOOh my……do I ever get this one A LOT in session.  The young ladies I speak to have definitely made it clear to me that they all too often DO feel like sex is EXPECTED when they are dating a guy.  If you are like so many of the girls out there that I talk to, you may have had this experience too. 

Now, I am allll about sexual empowerment.  I think girls and guys should feel liberated sexually to do what they feel comfortable with and when they feel comfortable doing it.  All that said, I think we are really socialized to have certain values about sex.  Girls are socialized to want to be desired sexually, because it means we are VALUED. 

Think about it.  From a young age if you could get prince charming, it meant you were the pretty one.  If the cute boy paid attention to you in class, it might have felt really good. You might have even made it mean something, like that “you are special, you are the girl he wants to talk to, you are more popular, or better.” It may have given you some butterflies in your tummy.  As we grow older, naturally this turns into wanting to be desired sexually, not just seen as attractive. 

The problem is when you feel an internal pressure to be sexual, and then you DON’T feel good about it the NEXT DAY.  That feeling of being desired has worn off when he leaves. You may even start to feel a bit used---even if it was consensual and it wasn’t his intention to hurt you.  You may have wanted him to like you, and it turns out he was just having fun and has moved on.

The girls I speak to tell me that they have a tough time saying “no” to sex sometimes because of this internal pressure they PUT ON THEMSELVES to say “yes” because they feel it is EXPECTED. They also tell me that they want the guy to like them and they might be hoping for a bit “more”.  They are hoping for a possible long-term relationship.  They don’t want him to feel “rejected.”

My feedback to them, and to you if by chance you see yourself here, is this……

First, I do agree that there has been an increase in the PERCEIVED expectation that girls should have sex sooner when dating.  I can’t argue that at all, if that’s what you feel, then it is what you feel.  Please don’t feel alone if this is your experience too.  I remember also feeling that way too once, the world hasn’t changed THAT much.

Second, I ask them, 'What do YOU WANT?"  If you are ok with a one night stand experience, then that is ok for YOU if you are a consenting adult. 

If it’s NOT WHAT YOU WANT, then I urge you to consider the following…… 

YOU SET THE EXPECTATIONS for when you will CHOOSE to have sex and when you will not.  You are AMAZINGLY special.  In fact, YOU set the expectations for the type of guy YOU WANT IN YOUR LIFE, not just your bedroom.  Just because every other girl is agreeing to have sex quickly, doesn’t mean you do too. If you want a guy who wants to have a long-term relationship with you, he will wait for you. In fact, if he really wants you, he will wait as long as it takes.  THAT IS THE GUY YOU WANT.  I tell all my girls to set their expectations HIGH for what they want, because they are WORTH IT. 

I know this might sound a bit scary and maybe even counter intuitive.  You might be saying, but Shelby, are you crazy……it’s just expected…..you don’t get it!  If I say no, I will be seen as a prude. No guy will want me, because they will think I am just high maintenance, too much to deal with, a snob, and not worth the effort!

I have news for you.  They may say that, but YOU DON’T WANT THOSE GUYS.  You want the guy who says, “damn, she is something else, she is confident, she knows what she wants and she doesn’t settle.  I want that.”  You want the ONE guy that recognizes that in you.  He will recognize that because HEALTHY GUYS WANT HEALTHY GIRLS.  They know what healthy looks like, it is a girl with BOUNDARIES.  They know this because they ALSO have boundaries. 

You want a guy who ACTUALLY takes the time to get to know you.  You want him to know your hopes, your dreams, how funny you are, what a good friend you are, how kind you are, how hard working you are.  You don’t want the guy who just wants a good time for an evening (unless that’s what you are looking for too). 

My advice is to HOLD OUT. You wait and see if THEY MEASURE UP TO YOUR STANDARDS and if they are wanting MORE than just one fun night.  All the guys who just wanted a quick one night stand will drop off VERY QUICKLY, and you will have saved yourself so much time and emotional stress by not saying ‘yes’ too quickly.  You will be able to keep your eyes up and looking around for the guy who IS WORTH YOUR TIME. 

I speak both from personal experience of getting more dates than I knew what to do with in college, by practicing what I preach. I dated a lot.  I turned A LOT OF GUYS DOWN…..and likely you will too.  That is OK!!! THEY WILL LIVE! I kept my eyes up and looking for what I WANTED….and ultimately I GOT IT.  I got a guy who wanted to spend time with me, was excited to know who I am, who turned out to be my best friend and ultimately my husband!

I have also given this advice to countless young, bright, intelligent, WORTHY young ladies who deserve exactly the same thing—THE BEST! YOU DESERVE THAT TOO!!!!!!! 

These beautiful young ladies come back to me when they have set their expectations really high, saying….. “OMG Shelby, I met the most amazing guy…..he just likes me for me, not for anything else, he really likes WHO I AM.” 

Sex then becomes the icing on the cake, not just the way to get any old staled day old cake!

If you start acting like you are worthy of the best, the RIGHT GUY will see it too.

You teach people how to treat you.  That absolutely holds true when trying to find a good guy.  He will not just treat you like gold sexually, but he will treat you like gold ALL THE TIME!  He will SHARE your values in respecting your boundaries, what you want, and be attracted to your confidence in doing so. He will want this in you, because HE WANTS IT FOR HIMSELF TOO.   

It’s ok if you have to run through a whole lotta guys who get bored and move on because you didn’t put out soon enough.  It will save you a whole lot of time and heartache.  You will move on, and keep up your search for someone deserving of YOUR TIME---AND YOUR BODY. 

Here’s to you finding THE BEST!

Shelby