Pretty Privilege

Pretty privilege is when a person is treated better simply because the world perceives them to be....well.....pretty. 

You can be treated differently JUST BECAUSE PEOPLE FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE.

If you have ever gotten out of a speeding ticket for batting your pretty eyelashes, had a door held open for you, felt like you got special treatment from a teacher or boss, had someone buy a drink for you, or had people be extra kind to you on a day you were lookin' good---my friend, you just may have benefited from pretty privilege.

Perhaps you may have also been on the other end of pretty privilege, where you have WATCHED other people be treated in a superior way, simply because others found them attractive. Ever watched the pretty girl or cute boy in school get alllllll the attention just because people found them attractive? Yes, that is pretty privilege.  

Why should you care about this? Well, I will tell you why. Because we can and will ALL be affected by the UNFAIRNESS of pretty privilege at some point in our lives

Beauty is fleeting, even if you have it in your youth, you will ineveitably lose it.

At some point, you will lose the beauty of your youth---if you are lucky enough to get older and live a long life. 

I recently had a run in with my own feelings about pretty privilege--and it was NOT SO PRETTY. 

A week ago I became diagnosed with a skin condition called rosacea, after dealing with a lot of skin problems and doctors visits for a couple of months. It is a skin condition of the face that can turn your face, particularly your cheeks, red. It is more than just blushing though, it can become extremely itchy, irritated, burn, sting, and be quite painful. Not only that, it can also affect your eyes, and I got that too. So I have regular rosacea of the skin and ocular rosacea of the eyes. 

Putting on make-up with this condition, at least for me, became REALLY painful. Make-up would make my eyes in particular burn, sting, and itch to the point where I couldn't even stand to wear it!

This condition is not reversable, the cause is unknown, and there is no cure. It can be managed, however, and I am working on that. My skin feels ok most days, but make-up can make things flare up if I am not careful. 

This was a big problem for my own insecurities with my own pretty privilege! Suddenly I was staring right in the mirror at the face of a person who didn't know what to do with herself if she didn't think she was going to be perceived as PRETTY!!!!

I felt myself get anxious, sad, and overwhelmed. I HAD to be able to wear make-up!! It just wasn't fair! I have always been someone who loves wearing make-up and looking pretty. I come from a family who seems to value appearance just a bit too much, and I admit, I learned that from them too.  

I also think I have benefited from pretty privilege in my life. The thought of losing it was very anxiety provoking and overhwelming....that maybe I could never wear make-up again! 

I will admit, this might sound shallow, and self-centered. That said, I am hoping you are going to understand because you live on this planet with me here too, and I am willing to bet that you have had your own run-ins with not feeling pretty or worried on some days that you don't "look good". 

I am telling you, for several days this was not so pretty for me. I had some ugly cries and fitful moments of feeling like the world was pretty unfair. And then....I thought of something.....

I thought to myself....."I am not sure why this happened to me, but I am going to try to take this new pain or struggle.......and turn it into PURPOSE." 

The one good thing that could come from this, is me confronting my own vanity so that I can help someone else. 

Here is what I have learned so far. 

I have calmed down A LOT from that initial shock. I actually feel ok, although I wouldn't turn down a tube of mascara if I found one that didn't make my eyes hurt. I am still human, and I like the added effects of make-up.  

I have realized, however, that I am worth MORE than what other people perceive me to be based on my appearance. 

I have written a lot about body image, disordered eating, and ending diets for the sake of being thin at all costs. I have urged you to accept the God given body that you were born with, because it's yours. I have urged you to respect it and treat it with kindness. 

This is one more thing to help me to urge you to continue to do just that. I do so from my own personal place of power and internal KNOWING that it can be hard to do that sometimes. REALLY HARD. 

My grandmother was always an inspiration to me, to live my life from the inside out. She could never understand America's obsession with plastic surgery, botox, and desperation to hang onto youth. She would say to me "I wish that people could just learn to age gracefully." She would sit and talk with me at her kitchen table with a cup of tea and we would have the BEST conversations. She was truly one of the wisest and most kind people I have ever known. My grandmother passed away earlier this year, and she would have been 90 this month if she were still alive today. I miss how she always made me feel like I was the most important person in her life when I was sitting in front of her. She didn't just do this for me, however, she did it for EVERYONE. 

She truly embraced life and people for who they were. She had friends of all different ages. She was so giving of her time, her money, her wisdom, and love to all she knew. NOT ONCE, was I ever concerned with HOW SHE LOOKED. She was just my Mimi (my word for grandma). I felt so LOVED in her presence. 

This expereince I have gone through with my skin has reminded me of her and a quote by the great Maya Angelou.

"People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

I learned this by experience through my grandmother. I learned that what I love most about her was how she made me feel. 

I want to remind you of this too. I want you to think of a person that has made you feel LOVED. A person who has made you feel special---NO MATTER WHAT. 

Did you ever care for a moment what that person looked like? 

I know the answer is, OF COURSE NOT. 

Remember this when you enter a place in life that confronts anxiety about pretty privilege. The fear that you will not be liked or loved because of what you look like. 

Choose to BECOME the person that MAKES OTHERS FEEL GOOD. No matter what YOU OR THEY LOOK LIKE. 

Be like that person who made you FEEL so good. Remeber that it didn't matter what they looked like when they made you feel good. Live your life from that same place....of making others FEEL good. I promise you, these feelings about needing to look so good.....they will begin to fall away. 

Beyond that, I don't want to condemn having fun dressing up or looking "pretty". It's ok if you still want to strap on some heels, put on a pretty outfit, or even wear make-up if you choose. I just want to help you relax into the person you are INSIDE. Don't be fooled that why people want to be around you is because of your looks. The most attractive person in the world could make you feel like you don't matter.

What people ACTUALLY SEE when they look at you IS ON THE INSIDE.....not the outside. That's what counts. 

Have fun learning about all the amazing and wonderful parts of you.

Shelby

P.S. I recently did an Instagram LIVE on pretty privilege, and I wanted to write about it more here for you in written format. You can catch the Instagram content on an IGTV post if you want to see it there too. It was dated 11/5/21 if you are curious.